Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
dude i'm inner monologue high
Too much gin, very little bucket
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
All I want is dick and wine.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
