were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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