Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
