we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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