You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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