I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
