we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
