I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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