i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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