The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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