i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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