So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
