my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I didn't notice because vodka
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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