yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
