All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
