I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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