So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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