Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
