I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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