i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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