so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
