If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize