she looked like the bat from fern gully.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
