I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
