weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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