I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
