ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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