Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
My life is pants optional.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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