I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Randomize
