can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
