I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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