lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
