She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
