That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
