I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
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So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
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Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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