Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
