I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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