Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
