I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
