Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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