Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
