it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
