My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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