I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
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Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
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I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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