dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
