the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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