I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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