He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
