Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
