what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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