she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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