Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
