I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
