she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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